Warning: This will be a long one.
I did something today I have wanted to do for a while, but didn't think I would ever actually do.
I quit my job.
It wasn't spontaneous or crazy, well maybe a little crazy. It is something that has been heavy on my heart for a while, like about 2 years. I actually put in my notice about 2 weeks ago and today was my official last day.
It has been one of the most difficult and exhausting decisions I have ever made. I want to remember the way I came to this conclusion and the way I feel about it right now.
If you don't care, please stop right here and disregard this entire post. :) It won't hurt my feelings. Promise!
With that said, I have been unhappy with my job for nearly 2 years now. Not always extremely miserable, but unhappy. I tried to look at the positives and choose to focus on the things I enjoy, but the truth was always tugging at my heart. I felt exremely torn between work and my family.
Over the past couple years, I have gone on several interviews with several different job opportunities. However, the job itself or the timing just never seemed to be quite right. I often felt defeated and like I was going to be "stuck" in a job I didn't want forever. I know dramatic! I tried to continue praying and focusing on the positives of my current job.
Over the past 6 months or so issues have escalated. My unhappiness turned to complete misery. I spent most of my commute home in tears due to frustration related to my job. Not always something specific, but just stress related to the job. You see, I worked as a dietitian for the government for a very busy, hectic clinic. My job involved a lot of paper work and I saw a lot of people each day around 30-40 patients, sometimes more. (To give you an idea: I am "suppose" to see around 25 over the course of my day.) It was literally draining me.
The demographic of the patients we see is also a factor. It is mostly low income, poorly educated people. If you have ever worked with this demographic you know the frustration that comes with it. If not, you should at least once. A lot of the time I love my patients and I love helping them, but occasionally I get so frustrated I want to rip that baby out of their arms and take it home with me and then punch the Mama in the face. It is a stressful enviroment by nature.
(don't believe me, go spend a couple hours in your local health department waiting room, you will get it.)
This type of job situation left me exhausted at the end of the day, physically and mentally. It had its fulfilling moments, but they are few and far between. I have also made some great friends while working there, but when you are so busy you don't really get to talk to each other. Over these past 6 months or so my job started to affect my home and family life, something I tried very hard to keep seperate. That is the only way I could do a decent job at both things.
Lets take a look at my life while working as far as my family is concerned, Shall we?
My day starts early as I rush out the door to head to work. Caleb is great and drops Brady off at daycare. I have a 30-35 minute commute. He does not. My work day ends at 4:30, but I do not get home til around 5:30 or later depending on what all errands have to be run. I start dinner, get Brady bathed, try to do a little cleaning, we all eat dinner, and Brady goes to bed at 8-8:30 pm. I finish cleaning up the kitchen and around the house and then go to bed myself, usually between 10-11 pm, sometimes later depending on what needs to be done. At this point I am mentally and physically exhausted even more so.
Then it all starts over again.
I have managed this lifestyle for 2.5 years. I know it could be worse. I always tried to do the best I could at both jobs. I failed often, but still felt very proud of my attempts. Brady has adjusted well and doesn't know any different and is a GREAT kid, but he still asks each morning if I have to go to work and whines why can't I stay with him. How do you deal with that?
I have never really struggled with leaving my work at work and just focusing on home until recently. When the stress level at work escalated, I couldn't seem to turn it off. I became so exhausted and frustrated. I began coming home and ignoring Brady and Caleb, totally engrossed in my own unhappiness and frustrations at work. I quit cooking supper as often. I wasn't sleeping, but was overly exhausted. My shoulder hurt due to all the paper work and was causing my hand to be numb when I woke up each morning. The pain was moving down my back, arm, and up my neck.(This is something that started shortly after I started working there around 3 years ago and has continuously gotten worse.) I was sick at my stomach every work day. I cried often.
Not Good!
I was failing miserably at all my responsibilities at home and at work. I could not snap out of it! Caleb became increasingly concerned, especially about my shoulder issues since he was the one having to massage it daily. Ha Ha! He told me to quit a while ago and has been a rock through out this entire time. He is incredibly supportive! He is a great husband and works so hard for us! I am truly so thankful for him!!!
Back to it, However, I guess I am a glutton for punishment because I continued to believe it would get better. The thing is, it would get better for a couple days, like I would have a patient who was really struggling and I would offer advice and she would hug me with alligator tears in her eyes and say how thankful she is that I am here. But then the bottom would fall out all over again. Only worse.
The month of July was very difficult. It was my rock bottom, if you will. 2 years of frustration and stress all came together. There were very little, if any positive moments at work. One can only handle that for so long. I was being disrespected as a person and a professional every day, after a while you lose sight of the reason you cared in the first place. For a long time, I didn't take it personal. Somewhere along the way, it became personal!
I realized I was letting my family down. Multiple people began telling me I needed to move on, but I just couldn't jump from the ledge. I was worried. I was scared. I lacked faith. I was miserable. Brady kept asking me if I was scared of the monsters, he knew something was wrong. I just couldn't wrap my head around quitting without another job. I just couldn't seem to understand that this was the place that God was leading us.
Eventually I made a pros and cons list. The only pro to continuing my job was the extra money.
The only pro.
It hit me like a ton of bricks, I was putting money over God. I wasn't trusting God over money.
I had to jump.
For my family, for myself, and for my God. I knew this was right, I knew it all along, but lacked the faith.
The day I turned in my notice, Caleb hugged me and told me he was proud of me. In fact, almost every response I got was positive.
I couldn't believe it!
I am still not always convinced it should be positive responses. See poor faith. Don't get me wrong, I am glad it is! I am just not that confident and strong, but I am working on it. I like some control and direction. This is a huge struggle for me, to give those things over to God.
Fortunately for me, He knows far better what is best for my family than I ever could. I am trying to cling to that!
In fact, some amazing things have happened since I turned in my notice.
My plan is to spend some much needed time focusing on my family and our home. I am open to some part-time or occasional work if it the opportunity arises, but will probably not consider full-time for a while.
However, I am trying to be as trusting and open as possible to what God has in store for our family as well and where ever that takes us.
The key word is trying!
If you made it to this point, thank you for reading.
This is probably too much information, but it is mostly therapeutic for me and to document this process.
